Landline of Mockery
September 11th, 2007
I’m paying about $15 a month for a landline phone connection, and it doesn’t bring me much joy. I don’t give the number out, nothing is hooked to the phone jack, and I have no idea if it rings. I don’t really want a landline, but I enjoy DSL. So, I decided to go along with AT&T’s, “we force you to pay for useless late-steam-age bullshit before we’ll even consider selling you services relevant to the current century” sales program. [0]
However, for $15/month, I should be getting some joy out of this thing. Obviously, I need to gin up some sort of automated answering service to mock people who call that number.
Maybe the system should play a never-ending loop of, “I’m Henry the Eighth I am”. Maybe an mp3 of uncontrolled sobbing.
Maybe I should have a calm voice saying, “Think on your life choices to date. Are you proud of them? Are you proud of where they’ve brought you? Is this how you see your life continuing…?”
[0] I’m aware that AT&T is contractually obligated, in many markets, to offer naked DSL. However, they only offer their slowest speed through that system, and they make it hard to order.
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4 Comments Add your own
1. Pederson | September 11th, 2007 at 8:58 am
1. Find a numbers station, record about thirty minutes or so.
2. Using your choice of audio editor, rearrange numbers to spell out something using a representation of ASCII. Something like “I am wasting your time” or whatever.
3. Loop!
2. Sarah | September 11th, 2007 at 11:40 am
I like the “Henry the 8th” idea.
Or you could play “El Capitan” or whatever it was called.
Or you could sell them something… You’re the lucky caller, today only we are offering… etc.
So many options…
3. Robin | September 12th, 2007 at 5:34 am
I can’t believe it took us so long to cancel our voice mail service and buy one of these:
http://www.amazon.com/40-Minute-Digital-Answering-System-Stamp/dp/B0009AFVYG/ref=pd_ys_iyr20/103-3585102-7396623
You could record one of the improv sessions as an outgoing message and ask for new ideas from the “audience” if anyone can sit through the whole thing.
4. jimu | September 12th, 2007 at 9:53 am
ooh I know.. How about a voice mailbox system of hell.
“If you know your party’s extension press it now…. if you would like to speak to alex press 1 if you would like to speak with barry press 2 if you would like to speak with carol press 3 dave, press 4. *boop* are you calling for dave adamson press 1 for yes press 2 for no. *beep* Are you calling for dave barry? press 1 for yes press 2 for no. *boop* transfering you to dave barry…. dave barry is unavailable. would you like to leave a voice message? Press 1 for yes press 2 for no. *boop* I am sorry that person has not set up his mail box at this time. If you know your party’s extension press it now. If you would like to speak to alex press 1…..
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